Sunshine, Clouds and Silver Linings

(a compendium of random thoughts and observations since moving to Spain) by Peter Van de Water

Setting the scene……………

My name is Peter, I am 66 years old and the proud owner of a lovely wife (Sue), two black kittens (Porgy and Bess) and an ulcer.
I am Dutch by birth but have lived and loved in England for some forty odd years before moving to Spain during the early part of 2007, leaving behind our daughter, son in law, grandson, Tony Blair, the M25, Sir Alex Ferguson and Tesco.

We have gained a splendid villa, god knows how many avocado, orange, lemon and almond trees, millions of weeds, a vegetable patch but not a single worm, a broken irrigation system, a pool, countless visitors, our own private burglar/peeping tom and I must confess…………we are blissfully happy.

Episode 1 - Pedro the peeping pervert

Our first experience of Spanish living occurred during our second night in our new home when we were visited in the middle of the night by a mysterious stranger, carrying a torch which he used to illuminate our waterbed and the two sleeping inhabitants. Sue woke up, screamed, shook me violently by the throat and informed me that someone was shining a torch into the room and could I please get up and sort things out. Being a very masculine and brave person I immediately threw the duvet off, ran into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I used the ensuing tea break to explain to Sue that she must have had a bad dream due to removal day exhaustion and that everything was fine and we should go back to bed.

Two nights later we had a repeat performance…..torchlight, scream, panic, cup of tea, huge dent in my macho image and a brief discussion about the merits of going back to live in England.

Subsequent interviews with neighbours and other local residents revealed that we were the proud owner of a local prowler and thief who worked his ‘patch’ with great energy seven nights a week yet had never been caught nor identified. Having now ‘lost’ my exercise bike, B-B-Q utensils, secateurs, ladders, various tools and a hose reel, Sue and myself decided to declare war and report the two incidents to the local Guardia Civil………………..and this is what happened:

The Guardia Civil smiled
Was my property fenced? No
Could I identify the perpetrator? No
Were they willing to come to the house and at least pacify my wife? No
Had they received complaints before? Yes
Did they have any idea whom it could be? Yes
Would they tell me? No
Should I go home and simply forget it? Yes

I really do not like losing and was now determined to become a saint and save the neighbourhood from this lunatic so I executed phase 1 of my master plan………we installed CCTV with four cameras covering the most vulnerable parts of the house AND posted notices in Spanish to warn off anyone planning to steal, rape or murder.

After two weeks of running the system live…. BINGO……we caught our friend on camera. At 1 o’clock in the morning he was on our terrace looking into the bedroom watching Sue get ready for bed and it ended up two hours later when he decided to take off his trousers and sit on the front steps, presumably to make sure he was wearing his boxer shorts!
The next night he was back again and looked into the camera before walking off with a new toilet that was standing outside, ready to be fitted the following day.
This was all the evidence I needed so we created a DVD and I raced off to the Guardia Civil once more, ready to celebrate my victory…………

The Guardia Civil loaded the DVD, looked at the key moments and smiled
They looked at the dropped trouser moment and laughed
Was my property fenced? No
Did they have any idea who it was? Yes
Would they tell me? No
Should I go home again? Yes
Would they now take it further up the judiciary chain? Yes

I went home and instructed a local builder to fence our garden and install a gate, bringing the costs to stop our friend from visiting us at night to a round €8000.00
Two months later we were summoned to court to meet with the judge and as we thought to no doubt witness our Bandido sentenced to at least 25 years hard labour. I was interviewed at great length, as were the other victims from our neighbourhood, the judge saw stills from the DVD and warned us that being as our friend was also in the building we were not to talk to him nor duff him up in the toilet (where he was hiding) and then we were told to go home.

To this day I have never found out what happened between the judge and Pedro….all I know is that he has been back several times, climbing the fence using breeze blocks to make steps and ‘re-arranging’ my garden just to let me know that he is alive and well. Clever dick only uses the one side of the house that is NOT covered by a camera but I am now working on phase 2 of my master plan………..I still do not like losing and I will have him one day, even if it means hiring the SAS!

Knowing that I have CCTV, a fence and a gate makes me sleep a lot better………..the downside is that Sue no longer undresses when she goes to bed, but I am getting quite used to her army duffel coat!!