What’s a GOW? Where have you been? You are positively Nobody if you are female, of a certain “interesting” age and don’t know what a GOW is! O.K. – Grumpy Old Woman!
Now - don’t “phone a friend”, just figure out what a GOM is…… Ah, you’re with me!
So, let’s take a canter with my GOW recommendations – you can send me yours later – this is my idea!
In this world, there are Nouns (names of things), Verbs (doing things) Adverbs (add to a verb & tell you how you are doing it) and Adjectives. This latter linguistic offering describes a Noun. So, it’s a green car, a big dog and soft sofa. Get my drift?
So, let us turn our attention to the battered and abused Adjective “Spanish”. This should be attached to such things as “Fly”, “Onion” or “Omelette”.
The one thing it absolutely is not used for is a stand-in for the Noun “Spaniard”!!
It’s not the case that “The Spanish” like to have a siesta in the afternoon. Nor do “The Spanish” not dress up for a funeral….
Let’s all practice this 3 syllable delight – ready? Here we go- Span-i-ard. Spaniard! Even Spaniards! Living here prolongs our lives – less crime, less traffic, less hassle. Better food, better climate, slower pace of life. Therefore, we absolutely do have the extra time for that extra syllable! Let’s do it now!
Vests – or the lack thereof
Now, I try to be a tolerant woman (well, I like to pretend that I try to be a tolerant woman) but I absolutely, totally and utterly detest all men who have a bigger bust than I do!! This is not the way it was supposed to be. Right!
When you can’t decide if it’s his chest or his builder’s bum up there; when he carries around his past two decades of beer in his wobbling midriff; when his 35 year old tattoos are as wrinkled as the illustrations in a 1938 Dandy comic – then! it is time to keep the vest on! And don’t run away with the idea that you resemble Bruce Willis! You look like Onslow after a bad night and a triple by-pass!!
Women have more sense. Well, O.K., some women have more sense. We usually accept that there comes a time when – in order to show a cleavage - we have to lift our skirt…..
and we positively do not think it acceptable ever to sit down to eat- naked from the waist up! It is so gross when your lipstick doesn’t match your nipples…..
To Err is human…..to “er” is irritating in the extreme!
Each language has its little, holding words. Some of the most gross are “narwarrmean?” and “yunno”. However, my Prize Biscuit is awarded to the “Er-ers”.
You er, know er, warrmean. These are the people who provide endless hours of mindless, terminal interest by inspiring us to count the number of “ers” in their ramblings. This activity is even sadder than counting the number of quarry lorries barreling up and down the mountain road – most without the invaluable fashion accessory of a cover! Eat Chino, cyclist!! Humph! Depending upon your disposition, one irritates, the other exponentially angers!!
Advice to all Er-ers – Do not speak in third whilst your brain is stuck in second! O.K.?
Other People’s Noise…. Sorry…Music
How come that all those on their way to their third decade of mental retardation think it’s
O.K. to assault the rest of us with their ghastly, tuneless, so-called “music” ? How come they need to feel as well as hear their thumping discords, even from their cars!!?
Just knowing that they will be hearing impaired in later life is not really enough comfort to me.
How come no-one ever booms out the “1812”, a bit of Beethoven, and an air-filling rendition of “L’apres midi d’un faun”??? Treat me to a late night – and early morning – feast by filling my valley with The Three Tenors interspersed with Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, followed by Andrea Bocelli & Russell Watson. Please, disturb me at 3am!! Failing that, will someone invent a “zapper” that enables me to send out an Interceptor Wave that will permanently block the offending Boom-Boom equipment. Please note - the aforementioned Interceptor Wave is not a piece of three by two – however satisfying that might prove…….
Pop goes your Corn
I know Grumpy Old Women tend to start alternate sentences with “Why oh why!?” BUT - Why oh Why!!? can people not manage a 45 minute sojourn in a theatre or a cinema without stocking up with a famine busting amount of junk food??!! Strewth! The chocolate, sweets and nuts are bad enough but then…..then….the damned, dreaded, foul stinking, ubiquitous Popcorn arrives! Hell Fire! Not a small bag of the hideous seed but a ginormous bucket! of the damned stuff. The stench would make a night-soil man recoil! There are pathologists who keel over at theogour. Abattoir workers are rendered nauseous & every non-rabid dog slinks away. Do you get the picture?
Listen to me – most of you could go several weeks without anything other than water; most of you did not endure the struggle of Rationing. Trust me – You Can Live without Food for One Hour!! Go for the Burn!!